Jokes
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Kshitiz
New Member
Jokes thread.
Well, I thought we could [again] have a big thread where we could all share our jokes and make us all laugh!
I'll begin with a few.
A doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and calls home.
She comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?" Shouts the doctor.
"Getting a second opinion!"
----
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."
So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."
They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.
There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
----------
Please note though, these jokes are not mine, I'm just sharing them! And lets see what all of you have got to share guys!
Well, I thought we could [again] have a big thread where we could all share our jokes and make us all laugh!
I'll begin with a few.
A doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and calls home.
She comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?" Shouts the doctor.
"Getting a second opinion!"
----
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."
So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."
They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.
There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
----------
Please note though, these jokes are not mine, I'm just sharing them!
And lets see what all of you have got to share guys! schwab2clarkson
Banned
Re: Jokes
The Three Chinamen joke
Ok there were 3 chinamen who were all busting for a leak so they walked over to the nearest dunny block and went inside.
Being the shy sort of blokes they all used cubicles.
First chinaman went in, did what he had to do and came out and explained what he did. "I am very faithful, I did a tankfull"
Second chinaman went in and also told the others what he did. "I am very greatful I did a plateful"
Third chinaman went in and was out again. "I am very smart I did a fart"
The Three Chinamen joke
Ok there were 3 chinamen who were all busting for a leak so they walked over to the nearest dunny block and went inside.
Being the shy sort of blokes they all used cubicles.
First chinaman went in, did what he had to do and came out and explained what he did. "I am very faithful, I did a tankfull"
Second chinaman went in and also told the others what he did. "I am very greatful I did a plateful"
Third chinaman went in and was out again. "I am very smart I did a fart"
Hitterman
New Member
Re: Jokes
recieved on my mail
1
If it's there and you can see it - it's real.
If it's not there and you can see it - it's virtual.
If it's there and you can't see it - it's transparent.
If it's not there and you can't see it - you erased it!
2
Why did Microsoft give the name "Windows" to its operating software?
If you had so many bugs, you would throw it out the window too!
recieved on my mail
1
If it's there and you can see it - it's real.
If it's not there and you can see it - it's virtual.
If it's there and you can't see it - it's transparent.
If it's not there and you can't see it - you erased it!
2
Why did Microsoft give the name "Windows" to its operating software?
If you had so many bugs, you would throw it out the window too!
schwab2clarkson
Banned
Re: Jokes
lol
Those pics are all classics.storm;267766 said:
lol
schwab2clarkson
Banned
Re: Jokes
Workplace Farting: Options Explored
Whether the cause is a previous night of drinking or a big lunch, the outcome is the same: Farts.
Seventy percent of the time, we can dispense freely. The other 30% of the time, such as at work, we have some tough decisions to make. This document is intended to help you in those decisions.
Holders - The obvious choice is just plain holding it in. A popular choice among the females and an almost impossible choice for males. I am not in favor of holding, as I believe the medical community has not done enough research about the long-term damage of holding. Really, where does it go if you hold it in? So be forewarned, using this tactic is to be done at your own risk.
Desk Jockey - When deciding to release right at your desk, one has many factors to consider:
- Do you have your own office? Feel free to fart at will risk free. After commencing, I highly recommend locking the door and feigning you are not in the office to avoid any unwanted visitors. I also highly recommend against spraying air freshener, as the smell of the freshener is a dead giveaway. Candles are a good alternative solution for the females.
- Are you seated at a cubicle or open desk? If so, one has to consider the proximity of the other workers and the density of workers in the area. If it is just you and one other person in the area, there is nowhere to place the blame. If others are fairly distant to you, the smell will dissipate by the time it reaches the others on all but the most egregious of days. There is always the chance of dispensing at higher decibels than anticipated due to the highly unstable nature of farts. In these most unfortunate situations, you will have to use cover up sounds such as scraping your heal on the floor. I recommend practicing making sounds covering a wide range of tones and pitches in anticipation of such an event. Dropping objects such as staplers, binders and tape may not produce a similar sound, but if done in rapid succession could distract others from the initial event.
Meetings: - Sometimes the urge strikes at the most inopportune time. Meetings and gas really do not mix. Releasing at a meeting is by far the trickiest of all the situations one could find oneself in. Although I am against holding in general, a meeting may be the time for it. It really depends if you have established baseline farts before the meeting. This will give you a sense of the decibel and scent level of what is to be expected. Warning: Do not ever use a meeting as the place to establish a baseline. Of course none of the above applies if you are meeting with vendors. You have free reign to do whatever you like.
Aisle Walker: - Releasing while walking around the office is a popular option. By the time the scent disseminates, you should be nowhere near the scene of the incident. The added benefit is that if the release is done at higher decibels than anticipated, you can break out into an all out sprint thereby fleeing the scene before others even look up to notice.
Broom Closet: - One option is to find a broom closet and release inside the closet. The only drawback is explaining why you were in the broom closet if you are caught entering or leaving the closet. I found stashing stationery supplies in the closet provides a nice excuse. People will love you for informing them about the backup stationery supply cabinet. Of course, you then have to find another closet, as your original place will become too risky.
And remember, if you're workplace has many open flames, you are on your own.
Workplace Farting: Options Explored
Whether the cause is a previous night of drinking or a big lunch, the outcome is the same: Farts.
Seventy percent of the time, we can dispense freely. The other 30% of the time, such as at work, we have some tough decisions to make. This document is intended to help you in those decisions.
Holders - The obvious choice is just plain holding it in. A popular choice among the females and an almost impossible choice for males. I am not in favor of holding, as I believe the medical community has not done enough research about the long-term damage of holding. Really, where does it go if you hold it in? So be forewarned, using this tactic is to be done at your own risk.
Desk Jockey - When deciding to release right at your desk, one has many factors to consider:
- Do you have your own office? Feel free to fart at will risk free. After commencing, I highly recommend locking the door and feigning you are not in the office to avoid any unwanted visitors. I also highly recommend against spraying air freshener, as the smell of the freshener is a dead giveaway. Candles are a good alternative solution for the females.
- Are you seated at a cubicle or open desk? If so, one has to consider the proximity of the other workers and the density of workers in the area. If it is just you and one other person in the area, there is nowhere to place the blame. If others are fairly distant to you, the smell will dissipate by the time it reaches the others on all but the most egregious of days. There is always the chance of dispensing at higher decibels than anticipated due to the highly unstable nature of farts. In these most unfortunate situations, you will have to use cover up sounds such as scraping your heal on the floor. I recommend practicing making sounds covering a wide range of tones and pitches in anticipation of such an event. Dropping objects such as staplers, binders and tape may not produce a similar sound, but if done in rapid succession could distract others from the initial event.
Meetings: - Sometimes the urge strikes at the most inopportune time. Meetings and gas really do not mix. Releasing at a meeting is by far the trickiest of all the situations one could find oneself in. Although I am against holding in general, a meeting may be the time for it. It really depends if you have established baseline farts before the meeting. This will give you a sense of the decibel and scent level of what is to be expected. Warning: Do not ever use a meeting as the place to establish a baseline. Of course none of the above applies if you are meeting with vendors. You have free reign to do whatever you like.
Aisle Walker: - Releasing while walking around the office is a popular option. By the time the scent disseminates, you should be nowhere near the scene of the incident. The added benefit is that if the release is done at higher decibels than anticipated, you can break out into an all out sprint thereby fleeing the scene before others even look up to notice.
Broom Closet: - One option is to find a broom closet and release inside the closet. The only drawback is explaining why you were in the broom closet if you are caught entering or leaving the closet. I found stashing stationery supplies in the closet provides a nice excuse. People will love you for informing them about the backup stationery supply cabinet. Of course, you then have to find another closet, as your original place will become too risky.
And remember, if you're workplace has many open flames, you are on your own.
edladd
New Member
schwab2clarkson
Banned
Re: Jokes
Re: Jokes
Chinese speaking to a Chinese operator...
Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?
Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.
Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!
Operator: Yes I understand you want to speak to anyone. You can speak to me. Who is this?
Caller: I'm Sam Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.
Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?
Caller: Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.
Operator: Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!
Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator: I'm Saw Ree.
Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!
Operator: That's what I said. I'm Saw Ree….
Chinese speaking to a Chinese operator...
Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?
Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.
Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!
Operator: Yes I understand you want to speak to anyone. You can speak to me. Who is this?
Caller: I'm Sam Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.
Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?
Caller: Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.
Operator: Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!
Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator: I'm Saw Ree.
Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!
Operator: That's what I said. I'm Saw Ree….
Re: Jokes
Re-Union of Four Friends
After a few laughs and drinks, one of them had to go to the rest room.
The ones who stayed behind began to talk about their kids and their successes. The first guy says: I am very proud of my son, he is my pride and joy. He started working at a very successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration soon he was promoted and began to climb the corporate ladder becoming the General Manager and now he is the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes Benz for his birthday.
The second guy says: Damn, that's terrific!! My son is also my pride and joy, I am very proud of him. He started working at a traveling agency for a very big airline. He went to flight school to become a pilot and also managed to become a partner in the company where he now owns the majority of the assets. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.
The third guy says: Well, well, well congratulations!! My son is also my pride and joy and he is also very rich. He studied in the best universities and became an Engineer. He started his own construction company and became very successful and a multimillionaire. He also gave away some thing very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday. He built a 30,000 sq ft mansion specially for his friend.
The three friends congratulated each other mutually for the successes of theirs sons. The forth friend who earlier had gone to restroom returned and asked: What's going on, what are all the congratulations for? One of the three said: We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. And then he asked, What about your son?
The forth man replied: My son is Gay and he makes a living dancing as a
stripper at a nightclub.
The three friends said: What a shame that must be, that is horrible, what a disappointment you must feel. The forth man replied: No, I am not ashamed. Not at all. He is my son and I love him just as well, he is my pride and joy. And he is very lucky too. Did you know that his birthday just passed and the other day he received a beautiful 30,000 sq ft mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes Benz from his three boyfriends.
Moral: Be careful to whom you brag.
Re-Union of Four Friends
After a few laughs and drinks, one of them had to go to the rest room.
The ones who stayed behind began to talk about their kids and their successes. The first guy says: I am very proud of my son, he is my pride and joy. He started working at a very successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration soon he was promoted and began to climb the corporate ladder becoming the General Manager and now he is the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes Benz for his birthday.
The second guy says: Damn, that's terrific!! My son is also my pride and joy, I am very proud of him. He started working at a traveling agency for a very big airline. He went to flight school to become a pilot and also managed to become a partner in the company where he now owns the majority of the assets. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.
The third guy says: Well, well, well congratulations!! My son is also my pride and joy and he is also very rich. He studied in the best universities and became an Engineer. He started his own construction company and became very successful and a multimillionaire. He also gave away some thing very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday. He built a 30,000 sq ft mansion specially for his friend.
The three friends congratulated each other mutually for the successes of theirs sons. The forth friend who earlier had gone to restroom returned and asked: What's going on, what are all the congratulations for? One of the three said: We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. And then he asked, What about your son?
The forth man replied: My son is Gay and he makes a living dancing as a
stripper at a nightclub.
The three friends said: What a shame that must be, that is horrible, what a disappointment you must feel. The forth man replied: No, I am not ashamed. Not at all. He is my son and I love him just as well, he is my pride and joy. And he is very lucky too. Did you know that his birthday just passed and the other day he received a beautiful 30,000 sq ft mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes Benz from his three boyfriends.
Moral: Be careful to whom you brag.
lolRe: Jokes
An American, Australian and Irishman are in the same construction group while constructing the Sydney Harbough Bridge.
Anyway they are on their smoko and the American opens his lunch and says " Oh no a Sausage Sandwich ! I hate Sausage Sandwiches if I get another one tommorow I'm Gonna Jump".
Then the Australian says " Oh Crikey a Vegemite Sandwich I am sick of these If I can get another tommorow I'm Gonna Jump!"
Then the Irishman says "Oh no a Devon Sandwich if I get another tommorow I am gonna jump".
The next day they are on their smoko and :
The American gets another Sausage Sandwich and says" Oh Damn It another one that is it I am Jumping" and he jumps off and he's dead.
Then the Australian says" Oh Bloody hell another vegemite Sandwich I am jumping" and he jumps and he is dead.
Then the Irishman says " Oh thats it a devon sandwich I am jumping" And he jumps off and he is dead.
Later on the mourning wives are at the funeral and while the American and Australian wife are crying with each other the Irish one looks really puzzled.
They ask her what is the matter and she says " Well I don't really know beacause he made his own sandwiches".
An American, Australian and Irishman are in the same construction group while constructing the Sydney Harbough Bridge.
Anyway they are on their smoko and the American opens his lunch and says " Oh no a Sausage Sandwich ! I hate Sausage Sandwiches if I get another one tommorow I'm Gonna Jump".
Then the Australian says " Oh Crikey a Vegemite Sandwich I am sick of these If I can get another tommorow I'm Gonna Jump!"
Then the Irishman says "Oh no a Devon Sandwich if I get another tommorow I am gonna jump".
The next day they are on their smoko and :
The American gets another Sausage Sandwich and says" Oh Damn It another one that is it I am Jumping" and he jumps off and he's dead.
Then the Australian says" Oh Bloody hell another vegemite Sandwich I am jumping" and he jumps and he is dead.
Then the Irishman says " Oh thats it a devon sandwich I am jumping" And he jumps off and he is dead.
Later on the mourning wives are at the funeral and while the American and Australian wife are crying with each other the Irish one looks really puzzled.
They ask her what is the matter and she says " Well I don't really know beacause he made his own sandwiches".
mid wicket
New Member
Re: Jokes
aha very good
ArShad;302776 said:
aha very good
Re: Jokes
I dnt no if this is a joke or serious but it made me laugh: YouTube - Flintoff and Brett Lee During the Ashes
Another Anti-Aus joke:
A group of australians die and all go to hell. The devil decides to make it really hot to torture the aussies. When the devil goes to check he discovers the group sunbathing, the devil is furious and asks the group what the **** they are doing? The group reply "**** it mate, this is just like bein on beach back home nice and hot!" The devil leaves and decides to try again this time he melts all of hell into a sea of lava. Sure this time the aussies will be suffering he goes to check on them. The devil is horrified when he see's the group surfing the lava waves. So the devil sits down and thinks what do australians hate? Then it clicked that they hate the cold. So the devil makes hell plunge to -50 celcius.This time sure the convicts are all ****ed he goes to laugh at them only to discover the aussie ****s dancing and partying. " what the **** are u up to?" the devil yells " Were celebrating australia winning the football world cup," the devil was confused and said "how the **** do you no that " the aussie replied " coz hell has frozen over".
I dnt no if this is a joke or serious but it made me laugh: YouTube - Flintoff and Brett Lee During the Ashes
Another Anti-Aus joke:
A group of australians die and all go to hell. The devil decides to make it really hot to torture the aussies. When the devil goes to check he discovers the group sunbathing, the devil is furious and asks the group what the **** they are doing? The group reply "**** it mate, this is just like bein on beach back home nice and hot!" The devil leaves and decides to try again this time he melts all of hell into a sea of lava. Sure this time the aussies will be suffering he goes to check on them. The devil is horrified when he see's the group surfing the lava waves. So the devil sits down and thinks what do australians hate? Then it clicked that they hate the cold. So the devil makes hell plunge to -50 celcius.This time sure the convicts are all ****ed he goes to laugh at them only to discover the aussie ****s dancing and partying. " what the **** are u up to?" the devil yells " Were celebrating australia winning the football world cup," the devil was confused and said "how the **** do you no that " the aussie replied " coz hell has frozen over".